I'm having a hard time letting go of the light to relish in the darkness. There can be something so calming about sitting in the dark and having it encompass you. I never really was one for dark places because I just prefer light and am a big scaredy cat which is basically all it comes down to.
I'm having a slew of thoughts bombard me all at once which is making the sleep thing incredibly difficult. I don't like that I never sleep at night, I don't enjoy wasting my mornings trying to catch up on sleep from the night before. I don't like waiting for phone calls from people that will never come. I don't like feeling unhappy in my skin. I don't like being so far away from a decent hug. I don't enjoy searching for a good job. I don't like feeling penniless. I don't enjoy searching for this great person I'm supposed to be and coming up short (no pun intended) I don't like the fact that when I sit in a crowd of people I'm supposed to be socializing with, I can't think of a single thing I'd like to say to any of them. I don't like that I can't seem to stop feeling sorry for myself long enough to be concerned with anyone else. I don't like that I have all these doubts about myself and the person I know I can be. I don't like that quiet voice in the back of my brain that says he's never going to look at me the way I want him to. I don't like the fact that the best friends I've had in my life up till this point have been liars and broken my heart so badly that 7 months later I still cry myself to sleep just thinking about her.
On a happier note; I like the fact that I have this blog. I like that I can call my mom and she is my best friend. I like the fact that I moved away from home, bravery is what some people call it, but I dunno, I just knew it was time. I like my roommates. I like my apartment. I like the laughter I hear ringing through these halls at every moment. I like the crunchy leaves on campus. I like the crooked sidewalks. I like Provo canyon. I like to cry. I like to hear the voice of someone I love. I like hugs. I like the fact that everyone gasps or aww's appropriately when they find out I'm from Alaska. I like that I belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I like the quilt my mother made for me. I like my purple boots. I like building puzzles. I like how one well timed photograph changes my whole day. I like seeing extended family. I like being excited to get married and have children of my own someday. I like road trips. I like collectors spoons. I like the fact that someone may actually read this and understand I'm just a little bit lost and trying to find my way. My story is nothing special. I'm not important or spectacular, but I do want to do amazing things in this life and I like that I might be on the right track to get there.
Thank you, goodnight, world.
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